Poor Cast Of Rurouni Kenshin
by Faegirl
Summary: What is the result when Firebolt90001 and Faegirl430 get together? This. Be afraid, be very afraid... But don't be afraid until AFTER you've read and reviwed the fic! Flamers will be tortured by the people living in our heads.


One day in the Kamiya Dojo . . .  
  
Kaoru: Kenshin . . . I'm just curious. WAS IT YOU OR SANO WHO WAS CHARGING ADMISSION TO MY UNDERWEAR DRAWER TO RANDOM PEOPLE IN TOWN!?!?!?!?!  
  
Kenji: *walks in* No mommy, it was me. Sano said there were bucks in the business!  
  
Kaoru: *fumes* That's okay honey.  
  
Sano: *walks in counting money* Hey guys! *looks at Kaoru* Oh, umm. *hides money and smiles fakely*  
  
Kenshin: *hastily stuffing cash down his Gi* No, I had no part in that, Miss Kaoru-dono.  
  
Kaoru: Kenshin, is that cash in your pants or are you just glad to see me?  
  
Kenshin: Ehehehe . . . Well, you see . . . A little bit of both, actually . . .  
  
Kenji: *tugs on Kaoru's kimono* What does that mean? *smiles innocently* Does it have anything to do with Sailor Piggy?  
  
Sano: Come here Kenji. *drags her into a room*  
  
*BOOM (not another explosion.)*  
  
Kenji: *walks back out laughing*  
  
Sano: *comes out with his face all black*  
  
Kaoru: You didn't KILL anyone, did you, Sano?  
  
Guy from the morgue: Did you say kill? Because I'm from the city morgue, you stab 'em we slab 'em!  
  
Sano: So THATS where all of the bodies of Kenshin's enemies went!  
  
Kenshin: Huh? *digging a grave* Oh, right, yes. Yes, of COURSE that's where the bodies go. *shifty eyes*  
  
Guy From The Morgue: Does anyone know what a necrophiliac is?  
  
Everyone except guy from the morgue: *flinches*  
  
Megumi: *walks in strung out on opium*  
  
Sano: You alright, Megumi?  
  
Megumi: SHUT UP, BIZ-NATCH!!  
  
Kaoru: Megumi, there's a nice lady named Betty Ford who I would like you to meet...  
  
Megumi: Shaddap! You won't put me into the Betty Ford clinic! Only I can decide who does that!  
  
Kaoru: Why is it up to you?!  
  
Megumi: Because I can scream half an octave higher. Therefore, I am a lady. *faints*  
  
Kaoru: Fine then... *pokes the unconscious Megumi with her stick/wooden sword*  
  
Megumi: *twitches*  
  
Kaoru: IT'S ALIVE!!!! *stabs it*  
  
Dylan: *walks on set* Eenie-meenie chili beanie! The spirits are about to speak! *everyone (including the author and authoress) gets whisked to the future. They are in Luigi's mansion*  
  
Fae: *also walks on set* KING KENNY-KINS!!! *squeals and glomps him*  
  
Kenshin: *turning blue*  
  
Dylan: *starts killing ghosts with a firearm*  
  
Fae: *unglomps poor Kenshin* You know you can't kill ghosts, right? They're already dead!  
  
Dylan: But it worked in Resident Evil.  
  
Fae: Okay. *glomps Dylan so that he cannot shoot the ghosts and starts shooting walls, getting dangerously close to shooting the peoples*  
  
Dylan: KNOCK IT OFF!  
  
Fae: *cries and unglomps him*  
  
Kenshin: Don't cry, Miss Fae.  
  
Fae: *sniffles* KILL THE DYLAN!! *pulls out duct tape*  
  
Dylan: *shoot the duct tape in half* Lock and f***ing load.  
  
Kaoru: Did anyone notice that we don't even know who these two idiots are?  
  
Everyone: *Pause*  
  
Fae: *sniffles* YOU'RE ALL SO MEAN TO ME!!!! *cries again, but louder this time*  
  
Dylan: *sighs* Be quiet, Fae. You're giving me a headache.  
  
Fae: *cries louder* PUT A SOCK IN IT!! *conjures up Dylan's old, smelly gym sock in his mouth*  
  
Dylan: Sano, You're lucky that I didn't put you into Bloody Roar!  
  
All of the Bloody Roar girls: *walk by Sano*  
  
Sano: *Drool*  
  
Dylan: *In a comatose state* Hentai...otaku...fanboy...Jenny...tight...leather...  
  
Kaoru: WAIT!?! WHAT'S BLOODY ROAR? WHY IS SANO LUCKY!?! AM I THE ONLY ONE WHO REALIZES THAT WE DON'T KNOW THESE PEOPLE!?!  
  
Fae: *Sighs* We are from three hundred years in the future from your present time. Dylan is an anime/hentai otaku. I am just crazy.  
  
Kaoru: Okay, where are we, and I want a decent answer!  
  
Dylan: The mansion of the future. See, we have toasters! *produces a toaster*  
  
Everyone from the past and Fae: Ooooh! Aaaaah!  
  
Dylan: And we have washing machines! *riding on a washing machine* Wheeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!  
  
Everyone from the past and Fae: Ooooh! Aaaaah!  
  
Sano: My turn! *shoves Dylan off and jumps on* Wheeeeeeeeee!  
  
Fae: No more riding washers! It looks wrong! *Whacks Sano and kills the washer*  
  
Sano: HEY! *attempts to lunge at Fae, but falls over when he sees her nails*  
  
Fae: *pokes Dylan*  
  
Dylan: Stop.  
  
Fae: *pokes Dylan*  
  
Dylan: Stop.  
  
(an hour later)  
  
All: *poke Dylan*  
  
Dylan: KNOCK IT OFF!!!!  
  
Kaoru: *pokes him again*  
  
Dylan: *Pulls out guns* I will not hesitate to kill anyone but Fae because she is a cute little cat-girl.  
  
Fae: Myew! *goes into a crouch on the ground*  
  
Everyone: How will you kill us? With those metal rods of the future?  
  
Dylan: *Shoots Sano. In the ass* That's how.  
  
Fae: Ooooooh, can I play with the shiny sticks? Pleeeease? Either that, or can I have duct tape to play with?  
  
Dylan: Good little cat girls play with duct tape, not shiny sticks.  
  
Fae: YAYNESS!!!! *glomps Dylan, but he can still breathe*  
  
Megumi: *twitches*  
  
Fae: IT MOVED! KILL IT!!!  
  
Kaoru: DIE! *stabs her again*  
  
Dylan: This can't be legal. *shakes head*  
  
Fae: It probably isn't. Megumi's ghost: *rises from her body* Well this sucks.  
  
Dylan: Eenie meenie chili beanie, SHADDAP MEGUMI!  
  
Megumi's Ghost: *goes back into her body*  
  
Megumi: Grr...  
  
Fae: *is acting more like her cat-demon self than usual* Meow. *lays on the couch*  
  
Sano: Ruff.  
  
Fae: REEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEER! *jumps up, and her hair frizzes. She proceeds to try to rip Sano's eyes out*  
  
Dylan: *speaking to everyone else* Sano is the definition of idiot. *shakes head*  
  
Miaso (Wow, could we have given her less lines?): No, this is! *slams a book marked 'Dictionary' on Sano's foot and reads...* Idiot: A. Someone not smart. Somewhere between Imbecile and Ignoramus. Has many stupidity leaks.  
  
Everyone: *Pause*  
  
Kaoru: Lack plot much?  
  
Dylan and Fae: Yes.  
  
Miaso: No respect... *picks up the dictionary, but drops right back on Sano's foot*  
  
Sano: HEY! DO YOU MIND?  
  
Miaso: Not at all.  
  
Kaoru: Aw, they look so cute together...  
  
Megumi: No, they don't. SANO IS MINE! *glomps Sano*  
  
Sano: *Falls backwards, launching the book right at Kenshin.  
  
Kenshin: *Ducks*  
  
Miaso: No, he's MINE!!!!!! *glomps him too*  
  
Sano: I'm screwed.  
  
Yahiko: Hey, two girls want you. If you're lucky, 'screwed' may have a double meaning!  
  
Fae: *screams as the book is launched towards her* HELP!!! *puts up hands, but it doesn't work, so she gets knocked out*  
  
Dylan: None of you start partying. I'm still conscious.  
  
Everyone else: Awwwww...  
  
Miaso: Wait a sec! *reaches into her bosom, arm deep* Everyone else: O.OU  
  
Miaso: I GOT IT! *pulls out a chain* We can make him unconscious!  
  
Dylan: Uh, someone, a little help here....  
  
Someone: Shut up, I'm reading! *goes back to reading*  
  
Dylan: Oookay...that was random, even on my standards...  
  
Fae: *rises, but can't possibly be conscious that fast*  
  
Yahiko: Umm. What's going on?  
  
Kaoru: This, my dear dumbass Yahiko, is a haunted mansion. You can tell by the rotten smell. She was just possessed.  
  
Fae: *speaks, but in a deeper, more innocent voice* I resent that. I'm allowed to posses her, I live in her head. I'm Crystella, and I'm BORED.  
  
Dylan: That can only mean one thing...  
  
Crystella: SANO DIES! *pulls out duct tape*  
  
Dylan: *turns toward the reader's viewpoint* Flamers beware, because...*twirls around and is suddenly in a Smokey the bear costume* Only you can prevent yami-fires!  
  
Crystella: Good idea... *pulls out her flamethrower* I'll use this once he's securely fastened to a WALL. *catches him*  
  
Dylan: *turns back into Dylan* Nah, torture Aoshi, it may give him a few lines.  
  
Crystella: Ok... But then can I torture Sano? please? *chibi eyes*  
  
Dylan: NO! Aoshi, he needs lines.  
  
Aoshi: Wait a sec...AAAAAAH!  
  
Crystella: Ok...  
  
Aoshi: *chained to a wall, while Crystella is brandishing a whip at him* This looks so wrong.  
  
Miaso: You don't know the half of it.  
  
Aoshi: That's probably a good thing.  
  
Fae: *wakes up and Crystella get sucked back in* Sorry 'bout that...DEAR LORD, WHAT AM I DOING?  
  
Aoshi: Mind unchaining me, catgirl-sama?  
  
Miaso: If she hurts you again she's gonna be catgirl-sandwich!  
  
Sano: I like sandwiches...  
  
Fae: I thought Dylan killed you?  
  
Sano: Oh, right! *Dies*  
  
Dylan: Wow. He's so dumb he defies all known science.  
  
Kaoru: *sighs* MY KENSHIN!!!! *Glomps him*  
  
Dylan: My Fae! *Glompyness*  
  
Yahiko: My Tsubame! *Glomps*  
  
Everyone: *Pause*  
  
Kaoru: Dude, Tsubame isn't here.  
  
Yahiko: Oh... umm... fine. MY MIASO!!!! *Glomps her*  
  
Miaso: My Aoshi! *Glomps Aoshi*  
  
The glomping continued, until they had one big fat glompy-chainy-thingy!  
  
Dylan: Who's sitting on my head?  
  
Fae: I HAVE A BELLY BUTTON!!!!!  
  
Miaso: Can't.... move... can't... breathe.... *glomps Aoshi tighter*  
  
Aoshi: Can't breathe...MORE!  
  
Kaoru: Hmm... *Thinks* MY DYLAN!! *Glomps him*  
  
Fae: *hisses* MY DYLAN! *Glomps him more*  
  
Dylan: *turning a brilliant shade of purple* Oww...girls...breathe...kill...me...ghosts...  
  
Fae: Whoops... *lets go*  
  
Dylan: I can breathe! Whoot, I thought I was going to have to sic the poltergeist 3000 on you!  
  
Peach: *Comes running in and out of the room* SAVE ME!  
  
Toad: *runs in* Whoot! Baby got back!  
  
Everyone: *blink*  
  
Aoshi: Ho hum. *Gets up, and everyone falls into a pile*  
  
One hour later...  
  
Dylan: Well, I'm glad that sorted out. Thank god! *Jumps up and glomps god*  
  
Kaoru: *is all of a sudden obsessed with Dylan* MY DYLAN!!!! *Holds on to him for dear life*  
  
Dylan: I didn't wanna hafta do it...*shoots Kaoru*  
  
Kaoru: *flops down on the ground. A ghost that is now her comes out of her body*  
  
Ghost: Everyone hates measly moaning moping Myrtle!  
  
Miaso: Just when I thought we could party...  
  
Dylan: Myrtle, you have a fanboy. Me. You are just so adorably whiney...  
  
Dylan: Don't worry Fae, you are whiney to a disgusting extent too!  
  
Fae: Yay!  
  
Miaso: Is she dead yet? We must rejoice her death!  
  
Dylan: Ding don the bitch is dead...  
  
Everyone: *joins in*  
  
Kaoru: *wakes up*  
  
Fae: *pause* Weell, that was apt.  
  
Sano: *still singing*  
  
Kaoru: *Kills Sano, again* Does he ever die?  
  
Dylan: No, he's a main character.  
  
Kaoru: Dam.  
  
Kenshin: I believe it is spelled D-A-M-N Miss Kaoru-dono.  
  
Fae: *shakes head* Such a cute couple... Idiotic, but cute.  
  
Dylan: Yes, well, they did have Kenji...  
  
Kenji: *is riding piggyback on a ghost*  
  
Fae: *is clawing up furniture*  
  
Kenji: *decides to help Fae*  
  
Fae: YAY! My partner in crime!!!  
  
Dylan: *helps too* Don't I get called a partner in crime?  
  
Fae: YAY! My boyfriend in crime!!  
  
Dylan: Awwwww. *Snuggles up to Fae* You sweetie!  
  
Fae: *snuggles too* Meow! *Purrs*  
  
Everyone: Aaaaaaaaaaaaaw!  
  
Dylan: *leaps up* Okay, enough mushy stuff!  
  
Fae: Yeah!  
  
Dylan: I propose we all...uhhh...little help here Fae?  
  
Fae: Uhhh... Let's... GO ON A ROAD TRIP!  
  
Dylan: YEAH! Now THAT'S a good idea.  
  
Sano: Where should we go?  
  
Kaoru: YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO BE DEAD! WHY ARE YOU NOT DEAD??  
  
Sano: Oh, okay. *lies down*  
  
Dylan: And maybe on the way we can get Kaoru anger management classes!  
  
Everyone except Kaoru: Yeah!  
  
Fae: Where should we go?  
  
Dylan: Why all around the country! When we get to New Jersey, we can check out haunted places! In LA we can get a psychiatric degree in one hour flat! Who's with me!  
  
All except Kaoru: I!!!  
  
Dylan: *conjures up a truck* Everybody in!  
  
DUN DUN DUN!!!!! Will they survive? With one of them driving, probably not. 


End file.
